There's this song called, Let Go of Your Plans that's been rolling around in my heart and mind and out of my mouth continuously. It fueled a painting, lesson plans, and even served as a touch point in my selfcare. And it's helped me to regulate, to ground, and to center several times over. "Don't be afraid of change // Everybody's gotta let go of something // Don't be afraid of change // Take my hand // Let go of your plans."
For years, I was super into throwing parties and events and tending to each detail. It was a natural born skill - something that really made me tick in some kind of way. And it all took planning. I used to love lined up pillows and a perfectly clean house, and all of my i's dotted and t's crossed; a to-do list ripe with checks - all things that required planning. I was an officer manager professionally and personally, if you will. I felt a sense of value about myself with these tidy and friendly outward signs of control and perfection. In fact, I still feel that way just typing about it if I'm being honest about my ego in this moment! (And, I also still love lined up pillows and a super clean house.) I had a natural gift for efficiency and organization instilled in me deeply by my parents and grandparents, alongside a killer work ethic. This makes for the ultimate in caregivers, and that is precisely what I became.
We've all had moments along the way where we find ourselves in the middle of making and letting go of plans in a profound way - career wise, love wise, kid wise, daughter wise, soul wise. And before the big shift occurs, there is usually a moment when planning and preparing comes to a halt, and the start time creeps up on you, and you have no choice but to LET it all start to happen.
Think about the act of a woman being pregnant and giving birth - once there was a baby to consider, all sorts of planning began. And then on the miracle day of greeting the world, no amount of planning, efficiency or organization guides the outcome or the way your heart breaks wide open and invites this tiny being into the epicenter of all that you are. You can't plan for that.
So as I look around my relatively dirty/clean house, and notice the dust on the ceiling fans while avoiding really looking at the state of the floors, I can also tell you that my heart is full after letting go and leaning in and not being afraid of change. I may be a born caregiver and planner and organized person, but I'll also be damned if that's going to be my soul existence in this world. It's scary - but not as scary as not doing the work to LEARN how to LET GO of your plans or the plans you think you should have.